I Finally Chose Myself

I did not write my blog last week. At first, part of me felt as though I had dropped the ball because this journal is something I promised myself I would update every week. However, the more I listened to my body, the more I understood that missing a week was not laziness or failure. I was tired beyond normal tiredness, and my mind, body and soul were asking me to slow down.

I had been keeping myself busy because being busy gave me less time to think about the things I needed to face. I could pour myself into my business, my writing, my creative ideas and everything I wanted to build externally, while the things that needed to be dealt with internally waited quietly beneath the surface. Creativity will always be one of the ways I process emotion, but there is a difference between creating because something needs an outlet and remaining constantly busy because I am trying not to hear what is happening within me.

Eventually, my body made that difference impossible to ignore. I realised that I was a little burnt out and needed to stop pushing myself through it. I needed to rest, but I also needed to become quiet enough to acknowledge everything I had been working through and everything I had achieved. Sometimes we are so focused on the next thing that needs fixing that we do not notice how much has already changed.

Over the last eighteen months, I have lost 33 kilograms. I knew the number, I knew my clothes had changed and I knew that my body was physically smaller, but knowing something and truly seeing it are not always the same thing. When you have spent years seeing yourself as a bigger person and feeling uncomfortable within your body, that picture can remain in your mind long after your reflection has started changing.

You can look into the mirror every day and continue seeing the version of yourself you have become accustomed to seeing. It is almost as though the mind holds onto an old photograph and places it over the person standing in front of you. Then, one day, something shifts and you suddenly realise that you are almost half the size you used to be. Your mind finally catches up with the body you have been living in all along.

When that moment happened for me, I felt proud immediately, and that is something new for me too. I did not look at myself and wait for somebody else to notice. I did not need another person to tell me I had done well before I was allowed to believe it, nor did I ask whether changing my body would make me more acceptable, desirable or worthy of being chosen. I looked at myself and understood that I was where I was because I had chosen myself.

For so much of my life, change came with questions attached. If I altered this part of myself, would somebody love me more? If I became quieter, smaller or easier to understand, would I finally be accepted? If I gave enough, supported enough or made myself useful enough, would somebody decide that I was worth keeping?

This time, the change was mine. I had done it for myself, and my own acknowledgement was enough. That pride did not need to be handed to me by anybody else because it came from recognising the work I had put into myself, both inside and outside. Healing is not only about facing the voices within us; sometimes it is also about caring for the physical shell that has carried us through every difficult moment of our lives.

This is not about believing that a smaller body automatically makes somebody better, more beautiful or more deserving of love. My worth did not begin when I lost weight. It is about the fact that I no longer looked at my reflection through the same discomfort I had carried for so long. I allowed myself to see what I had achieved without immediately moving the goalposts or finding another reason why it was not enough.

Around the same time, I had a conversation with somebody I had not spoken to for several years. We spoke about what we had both been going through during the period when we knew one another, and that conversation became another kind of mirror. Hearing the past spoken aloud made me realise how far I had come and how differently I now understand myself, my relationships and the people I allow into my life.

Growth is often difficult to recognise while we are living through it because it happens gradually. We make one decision, survive one painful experience, place one boundary and learn one lesson at a time. We are often too close to our own journey to see the distance we have travelled. Sometimes it takes a conversation with somebody who knew an earlier version of us to make us realise that we no longer respond, choose or love in the same way.

What surprised me most was realising that some of my boundaries were appearing naturally. I was not sitting down with a list and reminding myself of everything I should refuse; I was simply recognising what no longer belonged in my life. The work I had done consciously was becoming part of my instincts, and protecting myself was no longer something I had to force.

I will no longer allow people into my life simply because they have decided to give me attention. Somebody noticing me, smiling at me in the right way or saying the words I want to hear does not mean they automatically deserve access to every part of me. Attention is not the same as care, and being noticed is not the same as being valued.

If somebody is stepping into my life now, they will be properly vetted. That does not mean testing people, creating traps or expecting them to prove themselves through impossible situations. It means trusting less immediately and watching more carefully. I want to see whether their actions support their words, whether they respect my boundaries and whether they remain interested when I have nothing they urgently need.

I am done with people taking only the parts of me that suit them and moving on when they have drained the well dry. I have been the person people contact when something has upset them, angered them or gone wrong in their lives. They come to me for empathy, reassurance, intuitive guidance and the strength they need in that moment, but too often the conversation begins and ends with them.

I do not expect people to be available constantly. Everyone becomes busy, carries their own responsibilities and sometimes needs more support than they can give. A healthy connection will never be perfectly balanced in every conversation. There will be times when one person needs to lean more heavily, just as there will be times when the other does.

What matters is whether somebody genuinely wants to know how I am. Do they contact me simply to hear my voice and find out what has been happening in my world? Do they ask what my clients have been like this week, whether I managed to publish my blog, how my book is progressing or what new creative idea I have been working on? Do they notice what I am building and celebrate the lovely things other people are saying about me?

These may sound like small things, but they show that somebody has looked at my life through my lens without needing to be prompted. They show that I exist in their mind as a whole person, not only as a source of comfort they can visit whenever they need something.

I want to be supported without always having to nudge or encourage somebody to support me. I no longer want to teach people repeatedly how to show an interest in my life while automatically giving that interest to theirs. I want people who know Cindy, not only the empathy, intuition, reassurance or care that Cindy can provide.

Choosing myself does not mean that I have stopped being generous or compassionate. Those qualities are part of who I am, and I would never want healing to harden them. It means that access to what I give must now come with an interest in the human being who is giving it. My well still contains love, but not everybody who arrives carrying a bucket will be permitted to draw from it.

Putting yourself first can feel incredibly difficult when you have spent your life being the person everybody relies upon. It can feel selfish to use time, energy or even something small entirely for yourself. Yet we need the same care that we so freely give to everybody else, and choosing ourselves does not have to begin with a huge decision. It can begin with five minutes and a bowl of strawberries.

Strawberries are one of my favourite things. Taking five minutes to sit quietly and savour them may not look like a life-changing act from the outside, but during those minutes I am doing something I enjoy purely for myself. I do not have to share the moment, justify it or make it useful to somebody else. I am simply reminding myself that my enjoyment matters too.

The more we create those small moments, the easier it becomes to understand what self-love feels like. We begin discovering what brings us comfort, what restores our energy and what makes us happy when nobody else is involved. We learn that our own company can feel peaceful rather than lonely.

As I became happier within myself, I became happier spending time alone, doing what I wanted without worrying about what somebody else might demand from me. I also became less willing to abandon that peace for people who took from it without adding anything back.

That is where our standards begin to change. Once we learn to give ourselves time, attention and care, we recognise that the people around us should offer some of those things too. We stop accepting scraps simply because we are relieved that somebody has noticed us. We begin asking whether their presence adds warmth to our lives or repeatedly requires us to become smaller.

I now allow people in at certain times and close the door when I need to recalibrate. That is not punishment, cruelty or rejection; it is understanding that nobody is entitled to unlimited access to me. Sometimes I can be present, supportive and willing to listen, while at other times I need my energy to remain with me.

People who genuinely care about us will understand that our need for rest is not an offence against them. They will not make our boundaries about their rejection, and they will not expect us to drain ourselves as proof of love. They will want us to remain well because they value the person we are, not only what we can do for them.

As I approach fifty, I keep thinking about the next half of my life. I do not want to enter it asking how I should change so that somebody else will choose me. I want it to be shaped by how I choose to live, how I want to be seen, how I want to be loved and how I expect my voice to be heard. Choosing myself once was the beginning, but continuing to choose myself will be the practice.

It will mean listening when my body tells me to rest, even when my mind insists that there is more work to do. It will mean facing what is happening internally instead of filling every quiet space with activity. It will mean celebrating what I have achieved instead of waiting for somebody else to confirm that I should be proud.

It will also mean watching how people treat me before offering them complete trust. It will mean noticing whether they want to know me or simply need something from me. It will mean allowing relationships to grow through consistency, reciprocity and genuine interest rather than giving somebody immediate access because their attention touched an old wound.

I have not become cold, closed or unwilling to love. I am learning how to remain soft without becoming endlessly available. I am learning that I can care deeply for others while still protecting the peace I have worked so hard to create. I am learning that boundaries do not remove love from my life; they make space for healthier love to enter it.

Slowing down helped me see all of this. What first felt like dropping the ball became an opportunity to recognise that my healing is no longer only something I talk about or consciously practise. It is showing itself in my reflection, my pride, my relationships, my instincts and the quiet moments I now allow to belong to me. I finally chose myself, and now I intend to keep choosing myself—not because nobody else matters, but because I have finally understood that I matter too.

Sending you so much Light and Love

Cindy 💗🧚🏻‍♀️💜